Before the main text, let me say something else. I know that my mom will see every piece of content I write. One of the main reasons I write articles is to give my mom an opportunity to understand me, because we don't have a habit of communicating well offline, and she always talks more than I do. So over time, my mom doesn't know much about me.
But some channels are narrow, while others are wide, such as writing. Mom, I know you haven't been feeling well recently, and when you see this, I want you to know that I love you.
Main Text#
Today's content is about low emotional intelligence, because there don't seem to be many people with such low emotional intelligence like me. If readers feel that they have already solved this problem well, they don't need to read on - can you distinguish whether the other person needs emotions or rationality when chatting with someone?
Personally, I feel that this problem is not easy to solve, because it is difficult enough just to distinguish between the two (for me), and it can even change while chatting 😂
Let's take a specific example. We often feel anxious before exams, and in the two or three days leading up to the exam, we may feel irritable, frustrated, fearful, and other negative emotions. At this time, when chatting with someone, conflicts can easily arise. Next, I will use the same scenario to compare the reactions of people who can distinguish and those who cannot.
The day after tomorrow is the exam, and my girlfriend is very anxious. She says to me, "The exam is coming soon, and I still don't know anything. What should I do?" My first reaction would be, "Wow, the exam is in two days, and you're just starting to review now? Can you really pass?" But of course, I can't say this. Saying it would only discourage her. Although my emotional intelligence is low, I still have this level of cultivation. I would tell her, "Don't worry, let's quickly make a study plan. Isn't your roommate a top student? Ask them for some study materials. I'll study with you. If you can't find any study materials, I'll help you find some. In any case, the main focus is on solving the problem, so I'll come up with all the solutions I can think of." But what's the result? My girlfriend is still anxious, still feeling down, and even starts browsing Xiaohongshu (a social media platform). I'm so frustrated. I ask her how she can still be playing when she has an exam coming up. And then, well, gg.
Next, let's switch roles. I say to my girlfriend, "The exam is coming soon, and I still don't know anything. What should I do?" My girlfriend takes me out of the classroom for a walk and chats with me along the way.
She asks, "How do you feel right now?"
I say, "Very anxious."
She asks again, "Anything else?"
I think for a moment and say, "A bit fearful, worried about failing."
She asks again, "Anything else?"
I think again and say, "I also regret not starting to review earlier and playing games instead."
She continues to ask, "Anything else?"
I can't think of anything else and say, "That's probably it."
At this point, I am much calmer, and then I know what to do. After all, who doesn't know that you need to review before an exam? After so many years of taking exams, who doesn't know how to review? Find the key points and go through them one by one. Then my girlfriend encourages me, and I regain my confidence, study passionately, pull an all-nighter, and barely pass 🤣
Do you see the difference? My girlfriend recognizes my emotional needs in a timely manner and helps me adjust my emotions accordingly. When I return to a stable state, I can take independent action without needing her support.
To achieve this, the first step is to identify the other person's needs - do they need a solution to a problem? Do they need emotional adjustment, such as comfort or encouragement?
How do you identify the two? I have personally summarized a simple method: if providing solutions leads to more problems, then it is the latter. When someone truly needs a solution, the conversation becomes more passionate (such as discussing how to develop a business project). With more experience in identification, you can gradually summarize patterns. For example, when someone's state is abnormal before an exam, it often indicates a need for emotional support rather than a solution. At this time, you can solve the pain points like my girlfriend did.
Finally#
I wish everyone can learn to identify the needs of others and their own needs. Through practicing with multiple cases, we can gradually improve our emotional intelligence.
Thank you, girlfriend, for not being disgusted by my dullness.