Preface#
I am preparing to start a new series, inspired by the previous article on treating others as oneself and oneself as others, and even earlier inspiration came from my girlfriend's observation—"Why do you never talk about your past?" Overall, I realized that I have been consciously trying to forget something, which is probably a form of self-protection. This is quite common and often difficult to discover on one's own; I am no exception. If I keep avoiding looking at the past and keep hiding, I will never be able to move on. So, I started this series, titled "See Me," beginning with my high school experience under the strict regime of Hengshui, which I least want to recall.
Note that what I write next is not meant to criticize the Hengshui system; I do not want to deny any part of my past (something I used to do, blaming my parents, school, society, etc.), because they have all contributed to who I am today. My goal is to see, understand, accept, and transcend. I don't know if I can ultimately achieve this goal, but I need to start now and try to see.
Recalling My High School#
If you ask me what my first impression is when I think of high school, I would say it’s the rush to eat, the crowded classrooms filled with classmates chattering while memorizing, the teachers' lectures that I couldn't pay attention to while I dozed off, and my mom cooking breakfast after I returned home. The images are very chaotic and starting to blur; it’s quite terrifying. It has only been six or seven years, yet I have almost forgotten about high school, which occupied nearly one-eighth of my life (I was 24 years old when writing this).
Next, I will try to dig deeper, starting from a point to see what I can recall. For example, the scene of memorizing, emmm, like memorizing Chinese literature. In Chinese class, there was a mandatory memorization list, and during morning self-study, everyone had to memorize a few ancient poems. The teacher would randomly check during class.
Our Chinese teacher was very strict, a thin female teacher, probably around thirty years old (most teachers were about that age; there weren't many older teachers in their forties or younger teachers in their twenties). She often punished us for incorrect memorization, but I don’t remember the specific forms of punishment—was it hitting our palms? Standing in the corner? Or something else? I was probably one of those who got punished often because I have never been good at rote memorization, not since childhood. I admire those who can keep going without knowing what they are doing. The best I could memorize was Qu Yuan's "Li Sao," particularly the lines, "Long sighs to cover my tears, lamenting the hardships of the people." (Though I have mostly forgotten it now), and also "Guo Shang," which was not on the mandatory list. How did I memorize it back then? I imagined myself as Qu Yuan 😂, feeling that sadness while memorizing and getting angry with myself, which helped me memorize it. As for "Teng Wang Ge Xu," it was the hardest for me to memorize; it looked cool, but I couldn't memorize it at all, forgetting it as soon as I learned it (I might mix up knowledge points from middle school and high school; I think "Teng Wang Ge Xu" is from middle school?).
Similarly, there were many formulas in math that I couldn't memorize either. During exams, I would draw diagrams and derive them on the spot, like various formulas for trigonometric functions, such as the sum and difference formulas (I've forgotten them all; I looked them up first, so please correct me if I'm wrong).
Sum formulas
Difference formulas
This necessity to understand in order to memorize forced me to dig deep into many layers of knowledge. I remember there was a geometric formula whose derivation was in the textbook's extension section; the teacher never taught it, and none of my classmates cared. Only I read it from start to finish, understood it, and then closed the book, repeatedly calculating until I could derive it anytime in the exam; otherwise, I wouldn't be able to memorize that formula.
For someone like me facing exams, it’s quite a disadvantage. Others can quickly apply formulas and get answers, while I have to spend several minutes deriving the formula before I can answer, which directly leads to me often not finishing math exams. It’s not that I don’t know how to write; I genuinely can’t remember, just like with "Teng Wang Ge Xu," forgetting it as soon as I memorize it. I don’t put in less effort than others (I also can’t solve those challenging problems; it has nothing to do with whether I can derive formulas; even if I can derive them, I still can’t write them down).
Now that I am in graduate school, I still have to face various exams in medical school. My ability to memorize by rote is still terrible, but this characteristic continues to push me to dig deep into many layers. For example, when learning a formula, I might need to go through the original text, the annotations from later scholars, and the teacher's lecture notes to understand it before I can memorize it. For instance, when studying jaundice, I need to thoroughly understand the metabolism of bilirubin in physiology to grasp the seemingly simple question of "Why is jaundice yellow?" But it is precisely this pressure that makes the knowledge I have studied deeply leave a strong impression on me. In the future, when encountering related knowledge, I can quickly connect it because I have already laid a solid foundation. This is also why I feel that studying medicine really requires a science background; this ability to reason and derive is indeed very essential in traditional Chinese medicine. I increasingly feel that medicine becomes simpler the more I learn; as long as I have a solid grasp of the foundational knowledge, clinical problems are merely about establishing connections between knowledge. One can never escape physiology, pathology, and diagnosis (though I am slowly starting to focus on the big picture and let go of the details; there is too much knowledge, and not everything needs to be approached this way).
End#
Unknowingly, I have already written about two thousand words. This text has transitioned from vague memories to my learning characteristics, still as I said at the beginning, without making any evaluations. My Hengshui high school experience is a part of me, and all I need to do is see, understand, and accept. If I can transcend it, that would be even better.
It’s amazing; after writing all this, I suddenly feel much more at ease. Perhaps my subconscious has resolved a knot through this. Thank you for reading this far, and I wish you a smooth and comfortable experience!
More#
Looking back, the ending feels a bit abrupt; I will continue later.