What is Anxiety#
Actually, I'm not very clear about the definition of "anxiety." Although I study medicine, like most people, I fear being diagnosed with a disease. I can't sleep, stay up late online, have a decreased appetite, experience hair loss and weight loss, and suffer from multiple pains. I think I have some psychological issues to some extent, but as long as I haven't filled out that long questionnaire, I pretend I'm not sick, act as if I'm fine, don't need others to care, and certainly don't need to care for myself.
Love Others as Yourself, Love Yourself as Others#
This brings up an important point—there's no need to care for myself. I once heard the saying "Love others as yourself, love yourself as others," and at that moment, I was shocked. I thought I was doing well in the former, but I hardly implemented the latter. If my subordinates stay up late for work, I would definitely advise them to sleep first and do the work tomorrow, but when it comes to myself, it's not the same. I force myself to finish everything tonight, and as a result, I spend the whole night anxiously scrolling through Bilibili and end up accomplishing nothing. Why do I not cherish myself? If my patient were like this, I would feel very sorry and try to help them adjust their lifestyle and improve their mood, but when it comes to myself, it turns into "It's fine, it's fine." It's not that I don't know how to exercise, how to live, or how to relieve stress; I just have become accustomed to not taking myself seriously. Sometimes I feel that "I" and my body are not closely connected; "I" seem to be an observer, watching my body, just like I'm typing these words now. "I" seem to be behind, inside, or around my body, remotely controlling it as it types away.
Back to the point, since I know many methods and since I'm very troubled by these issues, I should take action. These problems have accompanied me for a long time, and for a long time, I didn't even realize they existed. Solving them will inevitably be difficult, after all, "a person's greatest enemy is themselves." But sometimes I wonder, why make myself the enemy? Traditional Chinese medicine pursues the balance of yin and yang, where you are in me and I am in you, mutually causal. Isn't the idea of splitting off one's "bad side" to fight against it a pursuit of separation of yin and yang? Don't these "bad sides" have any good effects? Not necessarily! For example, facing long-term procrastination on deadlines, hiding in the gaming world to avoid thinking about those troublesome matters is a form of self-protection, isn't it? Even if I could complete tasks on time, I've already gotten used to seeing myself as incapable of completing them. At this point, the "bad side" comes out to protect me—"Hey, don't worry, come into the game and hide for a while. Once you're rested, we'll go out and fight monsters."
end#
As I write this, I'm not feeling as anxious anymore. An hour ago, I just got out of bed because of anxiety—there are still so many things left undone, how can I sleep?
Then I thought I would write something to relieve myself, to sort out my feelings, just like warming up before a competition. I browsed some forums and RSS feeds, and then I realized this was another manifestation of my attempt to hide. At first, I could still recognize that I was hiding, but gradually I would sink into it and not be able to come out. As mentioned above, this is a form of protection, but it can sometimes be excessive, just like allergic rhinitis, which can be very painful.
Then I started typing. At first, my mind was very chaotic, and I still haven't fully woken up, but I can feel that after writing so much nonsense, my emotions are ready, and I'm motivated to face those minor challenges.
If you've made it this far and read through my rambling over a thousand words, thank you for your support. 🙏