Topic Separation#
Previously, I learned about some Adlerian psychology through "The Courage to Be Disliked," and the concept of "topic separation" mentioned in it enlightened me, helping me reduce a lot of pain that I shouldn't have borne. Here, let me briefly introduce what "topic separation" means in my own words:
Everyone is an individual and constantly faces different problems at every moment. These problems that need to be solved are "topics." Differentiating which topics need to be solved by oneself and which topics are unrelated to oneself is "topic separation." After achieving topic separation, one can focus on solving their own topics and not worry about others', thereby reducing their own pain.
For example, parents often feel troubled by their children's poor academic performance, thinking that their pain comes from their children not working hard enough. They try every day to find ways to improve their children's grades, but both the parents and the children end up feeling miserable. However, the child's academic performance should be solved by the child themselves; it is their own topic, and the parents don't need to worry about it. In this scenario, the real topic that belongs to the parents themselves is "What should I do if my child is not as good as others?" Similar topics include "What should I do if my salary is not as good as others?" and "What should I do if my house is not as big as others?" The solutions to these topics belong to oneself and should not involve changing others.
Topic Derivation#
Topic separation is a great way of thinking, but based on this, I would like to propose another concept called "topic derivation." Recently, I encountered some situations where when others came to me with their problems, I used the concept of "topic separation" to push the problems back because they were troublesome. I believe that other people's topics indeed belong to them, and I don't need to worry about them, but when others come to me with their own topics seeking help, a new topic that belongs to me has already emerged and needs to be solved.
Let's continue with the example of parents and children. For various reasons, one day the child suddenly feels that their academic performance is not satisfactory and is very distressed, so they come to their parents for help. How should the parents respond? "Ah, this is your own issue, deal with it yourself, don't bother me." This is using theory as an excuse because the problem is too difficult, so push it back. But in fact, when the child comes seeking help, a topic that belongs to the parents has already arisen: "My child is feeling very upset right now, what should I do?" What the parents should do is not worry about the child's poor grades. Oh my, there's only one year left until the college entrance exam, how can we improve their grades? What the parents should do is face this topic that belongs to themselves: their child is feeling very upset, what should they do? They should find ways to comfort the child, face it together, support them, encourage them, and do everything they can. Even if the final grades are still not ideal, so what? What we want is for the child to be happy. Even if we haven't achieved it, so what? We have done everything we can.
Theory is a method used to guide reality, and reality is complex and ever-changing. When theory is abstracted from complexity, it will inevitably filter out a large number of individual elements. However, the reality that each of us faces is composed of commonality and individuality. We cannot simply rely on theory to live; we must constantly maintain our thinking and construct our own mental framework.
I heard in a podcast episode of a mother-daughter conversation that the daughter tried to convince her mother with theories, but the mother hit the nail on the head and pointed out that the daughter only knew how to argue with these theories, but her inner self was empty. I have also experienced similar situations, where I arrogantly spout advanced theories, leaving the other person confused, and then they agree with my viewpoint. Let us all strive to improve in this aspect.